Unsettled

Or how I decided to spend my night

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Here is a depressing post :)

Here I am typing away at my computer. I am writing for distraction. I know that, but it seems like knowing something and doing something about it are two entirely different things.

For most of my life I have seemed to define my life by movies, television, and books. Stories and characters. It seemed to make sense. These art forms either show what people are capable of, what they can be like at times, and who everyone aspires to be. They may not differentiate between the three very well, but it hardly matters. I learned the patterns. I learned about people. I learned about myself.

Funny thing is, I still don’t know who I am. I coasted through high school, enjoying my friends and family and having fun. I worked through college to become an English teacher (stopping momentarily to become a German teacher), and now, I have graduated. The world is asking me, “What now?” My only response right now is a shrug.

working

I am starting to think my problem is that I may be the problem. I know I am. Life so far has been easy. There have been difficult times, but overall, I have had a life of convenience. My parents are prudent. I myself have become comfortable in a safety net. I pulled a blanket over myself and settled in. It is strange trying to get out of this net though. What was once for my safety is now weighing me down. It has me entangled and trapped. I’m struggling in these open waters with a net on top of me.

Although, I have learned something new about myself. I have persistence. I have the ability to keep going. I am tapping into unknown strength. Persistence is difficult though. It is finicky. Struggle and conflict come in so many forms that I have trouble tapping into persistence for different things. 

I just started really working out. I do simple things like pull ups, push ups, and sit ups. In just a matter of days it really taught me about my own ability to persevere. Maybe not through true difficulty, but it is something I have not really used in years. In middle school, I was so worried about everything. In particular, I was worried about what others thought about me. I could not find my niche. I tried everything and what I found was nothing fit me. I tried track and field. I went to at least one practice for each activity. Nothing fit right. I was worried if I didn’t find something I was great at, I wouldn’t achieve anything great.I did not want the stress or worry about what others thought. So one day, I decided I didn’t. I found the simplest solution. Occam’s razor. 

Since middle school, I have developed my apathy towards life. I just let it go by. It didn’t matter. When it came time for a track and field meet, I only competed in one or two. We were supposed to compete in at least three. It just didn’t matter to me. I was going to be happy. The best way I saw to do that was to be lazy. No responsibilities, no worries.

I found out come college, that would not fly when it came to classes. So, I started studying and doing well with school, but I had still set up a framework for my life where I needed time to just do nothing. The framework created an attitude which backed down from challenge or conflict. It was easy to adapt than to challenge. I let things go by because they required the slightest bit of work.

This framework ran counter to the darwinian world. In order to do well, you have to challenge yourself in work to really rise to the top and be great. Our basic instincts tell us to be better, and I was challenging that. I created a counter instinct to challenge that. I wish to be better, but I instinctually do nothing. It still affects me to this day. I was diagnosed with mild ADD but it is my own nature striving to do nothing which I have developed that gets easily distracted from work.

So I was in a safety net striving to do nothing. Instead of learning how to live without the net, I now have it around me as I try to swim. As I drown. My sin is apathy, and it has made me weak. So, I must become strong. I must focus. This writing has gone everywhere, but I think it really shows the state of my mind. I get distracted by my own thoughts. I guess I did distract myself well from job hunting. Maybe this was good though.

Picture courtesy of FredFrancesSucks

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